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Aviation Humor


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Aviation 101:

Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.

If God meant man to fly, He'd have given him more money.

If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you
pull the stick back they get smaller. (Unless you keep pulling
the stick back -then they get bigger again)

Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

It's better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up
there wishing you were down here.

The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep
the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot
break out into a sweat.

Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided
with the sky.

It's best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.

The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man.... Landing is
the first!

Every one already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from
which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great
landing.' It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.

The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.

Always remember you fly an airplane with your head, not your hands.
Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn't get to
five minutes earlier.

You know you've landed with the wheels up when it takes full power
to taxi.

Those who hoot with the owls by night, should not fly with the
eagles by day.

A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round
and reciprocating parts going up and down - all of them trying to
become random in motion. Helicopters can't really fly - they're
just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.

Young man, was that a landing or were we shot down?

Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to
make all of them yourself.

Trust your captain .... but keep your seat belt securely fastened.

Any pilot who relies on a terminal forecast can be sold the Brooklyn
Bridge. If he relies on winds-aloft reports he can be sold Niagara

Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad

Aviation is not so much a profession as it is a disease.

There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing: Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as copilot is a
copilot who once was a captain.

Be nice to your first officer, he may be your captain at your
next airline.

Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind.

A thunderstorm is never as bad on the inside as it appears on the
outside. It's worse.

Son, I was flying airplanes for a living when you were still in
liquid form.

It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a
large fortune.

A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's
flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.

A fool and his money are soon flying more airplane than he can handle.

Remember, you're always a student in an airplane.

Keep looking around; there's always something you've missed.

Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your

You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.

There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no
old, bold, pilots!

Things which do you no good in aviation: Altitude above you. Runway
behind you. Fuel in the truck. Half a second ago. Approach plates
in the car. The airspeed you don't have.

Flying is the perfect vocation for a man who wants to feel like a boy,
but not for one who still is.

Asking what a pilot thinks about the FAA is like asking a fireplug
what it thinks about dogs.

Being an airline pilot would be great if you didn't have to go on all
those trips.

Gravity never loses! The best you can hope for is a draw!

Author unknown.



You May be a Redneck Pilot if...

... your stall warning plays "Dixie."

... your cross-country flight plan uses flea markets as check points.

... you think sectionals charts should show trailer parks.

... you've ever used moonshine as avgas.

... you have mud flaps on your wheel pants.

... you think GPS stands for going perfectly straight.

... your toothpick keeps poking your mike.

... you constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut.

... just before impact, you are heard saying, "Hey y'all, watch this!"

... you have a black airplane with a big #3 on the side.

... you've ever just taxied around the airport drinking beer.

... you use a Purina feed bag for a windsock.

... you fuel your wizzbang 140 from a Mason jar.

... you wouldn't be caught dead flyin' a Grumman "Yankee."

... you refer to flying in formation as "We got ourselves a convoy!"

... there is a sign on the side of your aircraft advertising your septic
tank service.

... the set of "matching luggage" you take on your long cross-country
flights is three grocery sacks from the same Piggly Wiggly!

... when you are the owner of Red Neck Airlines and pilot of Redneck

... you subscribe to The Southern Aviator because of the soft paper!

Webmaster notes: Author unknown and I wish we could get a blessing from Dale Ernhardt on this one. We expect he is in a better place now. Our sincere thoughts of sympathy will endure to his family and friends. Thank you to the persons who wrote to us approving the "#3" line since the tragedy.



Airline Humor:

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight

safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.

Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:


"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways

out of this airplane..."


"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an

emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."


Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am

going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you

wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside,

and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."


And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We

hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you

for a ride."


As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in

front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from

the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom, "This

aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the

cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until

the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be

strip-searched as they leave the aircraft.


Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our

cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm

switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of

you for the rest of the flight."


As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a

lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!"


"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the

overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before

assisting children or adults acting like children."


"As you exit the plane, please make sure to sure to gather all of your

belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the

flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."


"Last one off the plane must clean it."


And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have

some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately

none of them are on this flight...!


Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt

Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was

quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it

wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' was the asphalt!"


Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a

particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the

Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the

Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen,

welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened

while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"


Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We

ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the



From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest

Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the

buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if

you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in

public unsupervised.


In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will

drop from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your

face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before

assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children,

decide now which one you love more. Weather at our destination is 50

degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed

before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your

money, more than Southwest Airlines."


An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered

his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which

required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers

exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said

hat in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers

in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone

had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said,

"Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is

it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"


After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant

came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until

Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up

against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning

bells are silent, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the

wreckage to the terminal."


Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank

you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane

urge to go blasting through the skys in a pressurized metal tube, we hope

you'll think of us here at USAirways."

Author Unknown



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